My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize