Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
