we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
