cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
