I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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