I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
