the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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