eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
