Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
