you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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