And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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