Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
