I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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