ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
