I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
