You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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