I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
