One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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