please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
