I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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