I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
