i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize