It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
