i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
pop tarts are not kleenex
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
