i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When did angry sex become our thing?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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