so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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