this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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