I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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