We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
