Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
