There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
