I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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