3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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