Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
