If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
