I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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