College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
