i would punch a child for taco bell
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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