I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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