Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
