I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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