After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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