Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
