I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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