I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
