all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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