I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
