well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
