she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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