Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
