when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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