Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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