Can i not drive my cunt home
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
