Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
FUCK WHALES
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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