Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
