I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Houston, we have a squirter
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
