You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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