well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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