She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He passed out mid-signature
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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