This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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