Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Randomize
