I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
