I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
