All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
