My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just found a bag of teeth...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
