we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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