Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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