I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
