If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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